What if you were a Jehovah’s Witness that was merely pretending to be into Christmas
Gathering clues and blending in
To take down the holidays from within
You mean like a spy, investigating
Making it seem like I’m celebrating
When actually I’m infiltrating
Santa’s operation?

Yoip!

Going deep cover past enemy lines
Making everybody think I’m on the Chris-a-mas side
Rockin’ warm sweaters
Hangin’ big [bad word] lights
If the fat man can see me, yo
It’s gotta look right
I’ll watch all the TV specials that I never could
I’ll even cry through the sad ones like James Bond would
And when the big [bad word] it’s time to set the bait
Cold milk, hot cookies
Decorative plates!
And [bad word] down the chim-in-ey
And then we’ll just be him and me
But he won’t know we’re enemies

‘Cuz I’ll play sincere
Spring a trap
Like that
Hug him tight
Get on his lap
And tell him he [bad word] back every year
‘Cuz I am Jehovah’s most secret witness
So I might have to dedicate my life to Christmas
And act just like I love it ’til the day I die

A-B-E-D!

Connoisseur of Christmas
On the [bad word] None of your business
Thoughts too fast [bad word] Just wanna do right
By my friends
If years were seasons
This December
Would be the December
Of our December
More blueprints than Howard Hughes
But if there are blueprints
How do we choose?

We have to be happy to get to the end
We have to save Christmas to save our friends
We have to save Christmas to save our friends
We have to save Christmas to save our friends