I always thought my movie
Would be [bad word] Not quite the tragedy that its [bad word] More slapstick than chickflick
More Caddyshack than Breakfast At Tiffany's
So, thank me at the podium
For a lifetime of contribution
Turn on the cameras
Someone cue the extras
Hair and makeup to the set

Because the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot baby you're the next big star
Of another stupid movie
'bout a guy with a broken heart
Is falling apart
Your headed for the cutting room floor
And in the sequel honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

So if you miss my movie
Get the DVD
Check out the chemistry
Between you and me
Less 'Raising Arizona'
More 'Steel Magnolias'
So when you walk down that red carpet
I hope you trip and fall
I hope someone squirts you with a watergun
super soaker filled with pee

Because the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot baby you're the next big star
Of another stupid movie
About a guy with a broken heart
Is falling apart
Your headed for the cutting room floor
And in the sequel honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

All apologies
To Kevin Costner
and that chick from monster
Give me Adam Sandler,
Will Ferrell, Belushi and even Val Kilmer
He was funny in 'Real Genius'

[Greg]
What about 'Top Gun'?
[Jaret]
No, 'Top Gun' wasn't funny
[Greg]
Whatever

Top secret was funny too
But he sucked as Batman

And now the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot baby you're the next big star
Of another dumb movie
About a guy with a broken heart
I'm falling apart

Steven Spielberg's calling
And he's setting up cars
It's your big shot baby you're the next big star
Of another stupid movie
About a guy with a broken heart
Is falling apart
Your headed for the cutting room floor
And in the sequel honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

Who gets the girl, I'm the guy that gets the girl
(Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Belushi, Val Kilmer...)
[Repeated 'till the end]