If only she had been on poor Titanic
The boat never would have fallen all apart
For one look at her lovely and sweet angelic face
Would have melted that iceberg’s frozen heart

If only she had been in ancient Troy
There would have been no war, I’m a-tellin’ you
For one look at her smile, and every soldier on that field
Would put down their swords and just say ‘Helen who?’

Her eyes shine like the diamonds in a king’s crown
Her hair can put the ocean’s waves to shame
No one could e’er deny it
I dare you to even try it
You’ll just give up and ask her for her name

If only she’d been around for William Shakespeare
He might have written one good play or two
But he never knew [bad word] beauty or he would have understood
That Juliet just wouldn’t ever do

But if she hadn’t been right here before me
To inspire the feeble song that I now croon
The chords would be even weaker, and the words would ring less [bad word] And the singing would be even more out of tune

So I thank the Lord and all the time I ask him
What good deed in a past life did I once do
To be rewarded this king’s ransom
This priceless pot of gold
Of landing here at the same time as you