Well, out of us Kids there's just 16,
Each one with a story to tell.
But you're in luck cuz up your sleeves
You got a brand of fight that never fails!
You got some power in your corner now
Some ammunition on your side!
You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how
See all you gotta do is take that pie
And I'll say

Mister Karkat, sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order
Jot it down
You ain't never had a friend like me

Life is your restaurant
And I'm your maitre d'
C'mon whisper what it is you want
You ain't never had a friend like me

Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service
You're the boss
The king, the shah
Say what you wish
It's yours! [bad word] dish
How about a little more Baklava?

Have all of column "A"
Try all of column "B"
I'm in the mood to help you dude
You ain't never had a friend like me

Can your friends do this?
Do your friends do that?
Do your friends pull this out their little hat?
Can your friends go, poof?
Well, looky here
Can your friends go, Abracadabra, let 'er rip
And then make that sucker disappear?

So doncha sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed
I'm here to answer all your midday prayers
You got me bona fide, certified
You got a subjug for your chare d'affaires
I got a powerful urge to help you out
So what-cha wish? I really wanna know
You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt
Well, all you gotta do is take like so - and

My Friend Karkat, sir, have a wish or two or three
I'm on the job, you big nabob
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend like me
You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!