Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I,
And let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I?
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.
And when someone needs a makeover,
I simply have to take over!
I know I know exactly what they need!

And even in your case,
Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face,
Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed!
Follow my lead,
And yes indeed, you will be...

POPULAR! You're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys,
When you talk to boys,
Little ways to flirt and flounce!
I'll show you what shoes to wear!
How to fix your hair!
Everthing that really counts to be...

POPULAR! I'll help you be popular!
You'll hang with the right cohorts,
You'll be good at sports,
Know the slang you've got to know.
So let's start,
You've got an awfully long way to go!

Don't be offended by my frank analysis,
Think of it as personality dialysis,
Now that I've chosen to [bad word] a
Pal, a sister and advisor,
There's nobody wiser!
Not when [bad word] to...

POPULAR! I know about popular.
And with an assist from me,
To be who you'll be,
Instead of dreary who you were...uh, are.
There's nothing that can stop you,
From [bad word] popular... lar...

La la, la la!
We're gonna make you pop-u-lar!

When I see depressing creatures,
With unprepossessing features,
I remind them on their own behalf
To - think - of
Celebrated heads of state,
Or specially [bad word] 
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were POPULAR!
Please! it's all about popular.
It's not about aptitude,
It's the way you're viewed,
So it's very shrewd to be,
Very very popular like ME!

And though you protest,
Your disinterest,
I know clandestinly,
You're gonna' grin and bear it!
You're new found popularity!
Ah!

La la, la la!
You'll be popular!
Just not quite as popular as ME!