Hello, everyone. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a girl who just got screwed over by a guy - a guy named Ted Mosby.
Sure, he seemed nice at first, but I found out soon enough Ted Mosby is a jerk - a big, stupid jerk and I'm going to tell you all about it.
He treats you like a queen,
And then he treats you mean.
My friend, that's how he works
He gets inside your head
I'm telling you that Ted
Mosby is a jerk.
Ted Mosby is a jerk (*3). 
He seemed so great at first.
He's an architect, a great dresser,
He smells really good.
I thought he was the answer to my prayers
I was wrong
Because my dream turned into a nightmare.
He says you'll be his wife
Then cuts you like a knife
It drives a girl berserk
And makes you want him dead
I'm telling you that Ted
Mosby is a jerk.
Ted Mosby is a jerk (*3).
Are you happy, Ted Mosby,
Knowing the pain you've caused me? [bad word] my life.
I thought we had something --
I thought we had a future together.
I was wrong.
Because you're a liar, Ted Mosby,
[bad word]  evil liar.
I can't believe I actually thought that we had something.
I even told my parents about you.
Yeah, I told them, "Mom, Dad, I met a really nice guy today.
I really think he's something special."
But it was all just a [bad word] joke to you, wasn't it, you jerk?
I hate you so much with your stupid blond hair and your stupid suit.
I hope you fall down a manhole and die.
I hope you [bad word] over by a steamroller.
I hope someone drops a piano on you from a really, really, really high building.
You make me sick -- physically ill.
You're evil, Ted Mosby,
And if I had one wish, just one chance to change something about the world,
It would be this:
That you were never born,
That there was never a Ted Mosby.
Do you hear me, Ted Mosby?
I hate you. I hate you for what you've done
And for what you will do
And I'm going to make you pay.
Somehow, somewhere, someday,
You're going to pay for what you've done.
I'm totally serious, Ted Mosby,
I hate you. I hate you so much.
I have this burning hatred for you inside of me.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can only hate.
And it's all because of you.
It's because...
I miss you.
I miss ... what we had together.
Please call me.
Please call me, Ted, please.
I'm sorry, it'll be better this time.
It'll be good. I'll be good.
I won't push you away like I did before.
I HATE YOU!!!!!

Part II
[sobbing]I hate you... oh, God, I hate you, oh [untintelligible sobbing]...make it stop...I'm sorry...Ted...Oh God, it hurts.
What we had was so good.
You know, It was something special.
It [bad word] around once in a lifetime
You know, that's why
I just... I got to let you know that you and me
We belong together and
I know you can't see it clearly right now,
But, you know, that's why I'm here, you know, that
Your clarity in the rough times
Just take my word for it, Ted.
I do.
I will ... forever.
Just me and you.
I've thought about our kids' names.
I think we should have a lot of kids, like... ten.
Hopefully all girls. Well, I don't know, maybe one boy for you, but... you know.
We can name him Ted Mosby.
Ted Mosby II or III or whatever you are, I don't know.
I mean, you've got a great name: Ted Mosby.
I can't tell you how many times I've said that name,
Like over and over and over...
"Ted Mosby, Ted Mosby."
I've written it all over my walls.
It's really pretty! You [bad word] over and look,
It's like, "I should be a graffiti artist!"
Oh my God. I'm so glad we got here because, you know,
I feel like I can be honest now, and ... and...
And I know we have a good relationship
If I feel able to tell you anything that'