Tobias:
Ladies and Gentlemen!
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken with ease.
You need never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare,
Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose
From the dead!
On the top of my head.

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen,
I was suddenly [bad word] with a rare
Oriental disease.
Though the finest physicians in London were called,
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees!
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came,
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name.
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold. [bad word] it in daily like wot I was told,
And behold!
Less than thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
That's what did the trick, sir, [bad word]  sir, [bad word] 
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir,
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed. [bad word] 
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know
You don't need
Ah, let's go

Tobias:
Go ahead and tug, sir.
Go ahead, sir, harder.

Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir,
'Tis [bad word] a minute.
Stimulatin', in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Gently dab it.
Gets to be a habit.
Soon there'll be enough, sir,
Somebody can grab it.
See that chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell 'e's
Used Pirelli's! [bad word] 
Let me have a bottle,
Make that two!

Lovett:
Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stink?

Sweeney:
Smells to me like [bad word] and looks like ink.

Tobias:
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir,
Of the girls!

See Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
Grow a little wick, sir,
Then some fuzz.
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir,
Like a good elixir
Always does!
 [bad word] Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir,
Fix it in a nick, sir,
Don't look grim.
Just Pirelli's
Miracle elixir,
That'll do the trick, sir