Dear old Mrs. So and So,
I thought I'd call and let you know
Your daughter is a big HOMO
And she's lying next to me

She came here of her own volition
No doubt wasting her tuition
Still it's [bad word] and now you're wishin'
She weren't here with me

She's been acting out this way
Since long before the fateful day
I brought her home so she could stay
Lying next to me

No matter how you sulk and fret
It's only girls that make her wet
And since it's [bad word]  well you can bet
She's lying next to me

Dear old Mr.. So and So,
I thought I'd call and let you know
Your daughter is a big HOMO
And she's lying next to me

She loves you still, she always will
But you can't fix her with a pill
Or try to take away the thrill
Of lying next to me

She wants your love and your respect
But if you push, she'll push right back
'Cause she's got friends and you've got JACK
If you don't let her be

For the apple of your eye
There must be something you can try
'Cause I can't stand to see her cry
Lying next to me

Dear old Mrs. So and So,
Just call her up and let her know
She can be a big HOMO
And you'll still love her so.