[bad word] of Butter
By Les' Podervyansky
Translated by Anton Dudko and Ben Vardy, copyright 2013

The stage consists of an ugly painted kiosk with a vendor inside. Near the kiosk stands a huddle of idiots waiting for a tram. Suddenly, another [bad word] towards them and slams his head right into the kiosk.

Idiot in a sheepskin hat: What're you doing, mate? Can't you walk like the rest of us?

The idiot who's out of breath (lying down): There's a [bad word] of butter there.

Everybody: Where?
The idiot who's out of breath: There! (Dies).

second [bad word] in, he zooms through the rest of the idiots like a bullet and [bad word] off into the distance.

Idiot in a flat cap (jokingly): Well, that was pretty [bad word] fast.

The idiots who are standing near, laugh stupidly.

Idiot in a sparkly overcoat (confidently and sharply): There's a [bad word] of butter there!

The idiot in a sparkly [bad word] off in the direction, in which, according to him, the [bad word] of butter is situated.

Idiot in tracksuit bottoms with a perhaps-bag: Lyuda, why are we still standing here? Do you have any idea how many twats are going to start flooding in now?

The idiot in tracksuit bottoms and Lyuda take off. Five burly [bad word] in, all at once, they're carrying sacks full of butter, and each has a whole pack of it sticking out of their mouths. The idiots can barely move their tongues as they try to chew it, making disgusting munching sounds.

One of the idiots: This is [bad word] great! It's practically ice-cream!

Everyone bewilderedly watches the burly idiots as they go, standing there like they have tetanus.

Idiot in a sheepskin hat (suddenly gets mad): Let's go!

The crowd, [bad word] after him, making a fearsome roaring sound that transforms into a woman's shriek. The vendor pops his head out of the kiosk and enviously watches the idiots leave. few dashing young idiots appear from the direction in which the butter is situated. They've got butter all over their stupid faces. They are carrying stretchers, on which lies a [bad word] of butter. Sitting right on top of the butter is another idiot, who is vomiting up butter.

Vendor: What's wrong with him?
Idiot: The same will happen to you, old man, if you eat a [bad word] of butter.

From the direction from which the idiots came, one can hear a wild roar and shrieks. Here and there, horde after horde of butter lovers sweep by the kiosk. The idiot in tracksuit bottoms and Lyuda enter crawling on all fours, sagging under the weight of the butter. In their eyes is pure happiness.

< the continuation is available upon request>