Everyone knows marijuana's dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
That's why it's so hard in California
To get your weed card
Unless something's really wrong
Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
It's a long shot but I gotta try
She hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify
Can't believe what I am reading
This is just what I've been needing
government supply
To get legally high

Weed card, that's what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety
Propensity for [bad word] or alcohol, anorexia or obesity
Too fat, too thin, either way you win
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness
St-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness
Impotence or TMJ
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or [bad word] Tourette's
It's a [bad word] [bad word] 
There's nothing pot can't do

Weed card, that's what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Got back pain, need Mary Jane
Can't handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomach ache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need TCH
Get [bad word] up for your hyperhydrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis
It's not a crime, it's 420 time

Weed card, that's what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription