Well I was chasin down flys and shootin up women
And tryin to get the whole thing straight in my head
Lookin for a girl [bad word] with me swimming [bad word] and play tunes at the end of my bed

And all the hard men were drinkin down petrol
And bamming up the girl when in came the law
Heading for the door and getting tongue tied
When they asked me what exactly I saw

So I’ll get some monte christo
And we can all go see the band
Well I may not be a looker, yeah 
But I’ll help you any way I can

Back at my room I was making me nervous
Watching TV and picking my feet
Wishing I was pretty and burning my shoes
And wishing for once I’d kept the receipt
I called myself and wondered out loud
Tried to get the whole thing straight in my head
I left the [bad word] and played it back twice 
But I couldn’t make sense of what I had said

So I’ll get some monte christo
And we can all go see the band
Well I may not be a looker, yeah 
But I’ll help you any way I can

It may not make you handsome and it may not even make you feel alive
You may not have the ransom but you can always count on this
It’s him and them and she and me
And sick and muddy, everybody

So I’ll get some monte christo
And we can all go see the band
Well I may not be a looker, yeah 
But I’ll help you any way I can

You can bring your waster’s banjo and your sister and your friend Diane
Well I may not have a big boy’s pistol but I’ll help them any way I can
You can call me Cinderella, call me your best man
Well you may be a right old queen but I’ll help you any way I can