Elle:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, well tended skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin. 
Oh Please he's [bad word]  totally [bad word] 

Callahan:
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not [bad word]  I say not [bad word] 

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?

Emmett:
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

Elle:
Look at his silk translucent socks.

Callahan:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.

Elle:
What are we seeing?

Callahan:
Is he [bad word] 

Elle:
Of course he's [bad word] 

Calahan:
Or European?

All:
ohhhhhh. [bad word] or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he [bad word] or European?

Warner:
Well, hey don't look at me.

Vivian:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.

All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts. [bad word] or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Elle:
Oh please.

All: [bad word] or European?
So many shades of gray.

Warner:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

All:
Is he [bad word] or European?
or

Enid: 
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not [bad word]  I say no way.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume

Elle:
Is automatically-radically

Callahan:
Ironically chronically

Vivian:
Certainly pertin'tly

Warner:
Genetically medically

All: [bad word] 
OFFICIALLY [bad word] 
OFFICIALLY [bad word] [bad word] [bad word] [bad word] DAMNIT!
 [bad word] or European?

Callahan:
So stylish and relaxed.

All:
Is he [bad word] or European?

Callahan:
I think his chest is waxed.

Vivian:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.

All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse. [bad word] or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

Brooke:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.

All:
Huh. [bad word] or European?
So many shades of gray.

Judge:
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.

All:
Is he [bad word] or European? [bad word] or european? [bad word] or Euro-

Emmett:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Callahan: 
The floor is yours.

Emmett:
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?

Mikos:
2 years.

Emmett:
And your first name again is...?

Mikos:
Mikos.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Mikos:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

Carlos:
You [bad word] 
You lying [bad word] 
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is [bad word] and European!
and neither is disgrace
you've got to stop your being [bad word] closet case.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so [bad word] 
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret.

Mikos:
I'm straight!

Carlos:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's [bad word] 

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's [bad word] 

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's [bad word] 

All:
And European and [bad word] 

Mikos: 
Fine okay I'm [bad word] 

All:
Hooray!

Mikos and Carlos: 
Fine. Okay. We're [bad word]