Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the 
back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola [bad word] You are the [bad word] Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty 
pound watermelon in your colon
Trade [bad word] with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
 [bad word] You will never find [bad word] happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, 
and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will [bad word] once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life [bad word] into trouble when your fiance hurls a 
javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the 
week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking 
your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to 
your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with 
a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled 
on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit 
unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars 
could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively 
applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these 
forcasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, 
documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron 
not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely [bad word] 

Where was I?

Libra
big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more 
talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix 
bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from 
an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've 
got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but 
you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never 
never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today