I wish you smelled a little funny
 Not just funny really bad
 We could roam the streets forever
 Just like cats but we'd never stray
 I sometimes wish you were a mermaid
 I could raise you in the tub at home
 We could take a swim together
 On weekly day trips to the bay

 Oh you and me 
 It would be only you and me
 Oh you and me 
 It would be only you and me

 I wish you were a little bigger
 Not just big but really fat
 Doors you would no longer fit through
 In my bed you would have to stay
 I often wish that you had feathers
 I'd keep you in a giant cage 
 All day long I'd sit and watch you
 I'd sing for you and that would be okay

 People say there are plenty of fish
 In the sea, baby, all I do is wish

 I wish you were a little slower
 Not just slow but paralyzed
 Then I could plug you into a socket
 So you could [bad word] away
 I really wish that you were smaller
 Not just small but really really short
 So I could put you in my pocket
 And carry you around all day