sid vicious played a four-string fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing 
 and everybody hated him except the ones who loved him 
 a ukulele has four strings, but sid did not play ukulele 
 he did smack and probably killed his girlfriend nancy spungen
  
 if only sid had had a ukulele, maybe he could have been happy 
 maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end 
 he maybe would have not done all that heroin instead 
 he maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend
  
 so play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong 
‘cos even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing 
 do your homework with a fork
and eat your [bad word] loops in the dark
and bring your etch-a-sketch to work
and play your ukulele
  
 ukulele small and forceful 
 brave and peaceful
you can play the ukulele too it is painfully simple
 play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly 
 ukulele banish evil 
ukulele save the people 
 ukulele gleaming golden on the top of every steeple
  
 lizzie borden took an axe, and gave her father thirty whacks 
 then gave her mother thirty-one, and left a tragic puzzle 
 if only they had given her an [bad word]  those puritans 
 had lost the [bad word] 
see what happens when you muzzle
a person’s creativity
and do not let them sing and scream 
 and nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns 
 it takes about an hour to learn how to play the ukulele 
 about same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb
YOU DO THE MATH
  
 so play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong 
‘cos even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing 
 do your homework with a fork
and eat your [bad word] loops in the dark
 and bring your flask of jack to work
and play your ukulele
  
 ukulele, thing of wonder 
 ukulele, wand of thunder 
 you can play the ukulele, too
in london and down under 
 play joan jett, and play jacques brel
 and eminem and neutral milk hotel 
 the children [bad word] the hatred 
 play your ukulele naked
and if anybody tries to steal your ukulele, let them take it
  
 imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs 
 imagine that john lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment 
 imagine if john lennon [bad word] “imagine” on the ukulele
 maybe folks would have more clearly got the message
  
 you may think my approach is simple-minded and naïve 
 like if you want to save the world then why not quit and feed the hungry 
 but people for millennia have needed music to survive 
 and that’s why i’ve promised john that i will not feel guilty
  
 so play your favorite beatles’ song 
 and make the subway fall in love
 they’re only $19.95, that’s not a lot of money 
 play until the [bad word] up
and play until your fingers suffer 
 play LCD soundsystem songs on your ukulele
 quit the [bad word] on your blog 
 and stop pretending art is hard 
 just limit yourself to three chords 
 and do not practice daily 
 you’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness 
 with a piece of wood and plastic 
 holy [bad word] it’s so fantastic, playing ukulele
 eat your homework with a fork
 and do your [bad word] loops in the dark
 bring your etch-a-sketch to work 
 your flask of jack 
 your vibrator 
 your fear of heights 
 your nikon lens 
 your mom and dad 
 your disco stick 
 your soundtrack from “karate kid” 
 your ginsu knives 
 your rosary 
 your new rebecca black CD 
 your favorite room 
 your bowie knife 
 your stuffed giraffe 
 your new glass eye 
 your sousaphone 
 your breakfast tea 
 your nick drake tapes 
 your giving tree 
 your ice cream [bad word] 
 your missing wife 
 your will to live 
 your urge to cry 
 remember we’re all going to die 
 so PLAY YOUR UKULELE