What do you do with a B.A. in English,
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.

I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place.

But somehow I can't shake,
The feeling I might make,
difference,
To the human race.

KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian!

BRIAN
Hi, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
How's life?

BRIAN
Disappointing!

KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?

BRIAN
The [bad word] laid me off.

KATE MONSTER
Oh, I'm sorry!

BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me!
I'm ten years out of college, and I
always thought -

KATE MONSTER
What?

BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.

KATE MONSTER [bad word] on!

BRIAN
When I was little
I thought I would be...

KATE MONSTER
What?

BRIAN
[bad word] on late night TV
But now I'm thirty-two
And as you can see
I'm not

KATE MONSTER
Nope!

BRIAN
Oh Well,
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
Nooo.

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
No!

BRIAN
It sucks to be broke
and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life sucks?

BRIAN
I think so.

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty [bad word] smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have
boyfriend? [bad word] 
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
Me too.

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me.

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...

KATE MONSTER
And Kate...

BRIAN
To not have a job!

KATE MONSTER
To not have a date!

BOTH
It sucks to be me.

BRIAN
Hey, ROd, Nicky, can you
settle something for us?
Do you have a second?

ROD
Ah, certainly.

KATE MONSTER
Whose life sucks more?
Brian's or mine?

NICKY AND ROD
Ours!

ROD
We live together.

NICKY
We're as close
As people can get.

ROD
We've been the best
of buddies...

NICKY
Ever since the
Day we met.

ROD
So he knows lots
Of ways to make me
Really upset.
Oh, every day is
An aggravation.
 [bad word] on, that's
an exaggeration!

ROD
You leave your
clothes out.
You put your feet
On my chair.

NICKY
Oh yeah?
You do such anal
Things like ironing
Your underwear.

ROD
You make that very
Small apartment
We share a [bad word] 

NICKY
So do you,
That's why I'm in [bad word] too!

ROD
It sucks to be me!

NICKY
No, it sucks to be me!

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
It sucks to be me!

ALL
Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you all so happy?

NICKY
Becuase our lives suck!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha! [bad word] to this country
For opportunities.
Tried to work in
Korean deli
But I am Japanese.
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance'!
And we have lots
Of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Suck!
It suck to be me!

PRINCETON
Excuse me?

BRIAN
Hey there.

PRINCETON
Sorry to bother you, but I'm
looking for a place to live.

CHRISTMAS EV