Well, they call me Bones and I'm third [bad word] 
Second in line is a man I just can't stand
He's a green blooded, pointy-eared, seven year itch
And when he pon farrs
He'll try to make me his [bad word] 

Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife
But I [bad word] sure pulled the plug on my daddy's life
And two months later, well, they found a cure
I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour

The damned teleporter
Yeah, it gives me the creeps
The first time I used it
I couldn't get it up for weeks
Now my tricorder's busted
And sick bay just stinks
I guess I'll just go replicate me a drink

Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife
But I [bad word] sure pulled the plug on my daddy's life
And two months later, well, they found a cure
I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour

Well, Jim is the captain of this here ship
We call her the Enterprise, and the crew's pretty hip
Yeah, the girls all wear go-go boots and miniskirts
And I spend my days patching all the red shirts

Well, I have been asked to do many a thing
Outside the area of my expertise
 [bad word] it Jim, I know I've told you before
 [bad word] it Jim, I know I've told you before
 [bad word] it Jim, [bad word] it Jim, I told you before

I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
Just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour