JACK

There are objects so peculiar

They were not to be believed

All around, things to tantalize my brain

It's a world unlike anything I've ever seen

And as hard as I try

I can't seem to describe

Like a most improbable dream

But you must believe when I tell you this

It's as real as my skull and it does exist

Here, let me show you

This is a thing called a present

The whole thing starts with a box

ДЬЯВОЛ

box?

is it steel?

ВАМПИР

Are there locks?

ВЕДЬМА

Is it filled with a pox?

ДЬЯВОЛ, ВАМПИР И ВЕДЬМА

pox

How delightful, a pox

JACK

If you please

Just a box with bright-colored paper

And the whole thing's topped with a bow

ПОМОЩНИК 1

bow?

ПОМОЩНИК 2

But why?

ПОМОЩНИК 1

How ugly

ПОМОЩНИК 2

What's in it?

ПОМОЩНИК 1

What's in it?

JACK

That's the point of the thing, not to know

УГИ-БУГИ

It's a bat

Will it bend?

СУМАСШЕДШИЙ УЧЕНЫЙ

It's a rat

Will it break?

САЛЛИ

Perhaps it s the head that I found in the lake

JACK

Listen now, you don't understand

That's not the point of Christmas land

Now, pay attention

We pick up an oversized sock

And hang it like this on the wall

ВАМПИР

Oh, yes! Does it still have a foot?

ВЕДЬМА

Let me see, let me look

ДЬЯВОЛ

Is it rotted and covered with [bad word] 

JACK

Um, let me explain

There's no foot inside, but there's candy

Or sometimes it's filled with small toys

ПОМОЩНИК 1

Small toys

ПОМОЩНИК 2

Do they bite?

СУМАСШЕДШИЙ УЧЕНЫЙ

Do they snap?

МЭР

Or explode in a sack?

САЛЛИ

Or perhaps they just spring out

And scare girls and boys

УГИ-БУГИ

What a splendid idea

This Christmas sounds fun

I fully endorse it

Let's try it at once

JACK

Everyone, please now, not so fast

There's something here that you don't quite grasp

Well, I may as well give them what they want

And the best, I must confess, I have saved for the last

For [bad word] of this Christmas land

Is a fearsome king with a deep mighty voice

Least that's what [bad word] to understand

And I've also heard it told

That he's something to behold

Like a lobster, huge and red

When he sets out to slay with his rain gear on

Carting bulging sacks with his big great arms

That is, so I've heard it said

And on a dark, cold night

Under full moonlight

He flies into a fog

Like a vulture in the sky

And they call him Sandy Claws

Well, at least they're excited

But they don't understand

That special kind of feeling in Christmas land

Oh, well...