[Ladies and gentlemen, [bad word] to Chinatown here in the heart of Los Angeles.
The Golden Pagoda on this special occasion presents to you live at the piano bar the fine talent of…Ugly Duckling]

Who can maneuver on shoots-n-ladders to a make believe land
the Andy man can, the Andy man can.
Freddy was keen and loaned me the Mystery Machine
when I promised him green for gasoline…Jinkies!
I traveled by the gravel of tobacco road
in a race to catch up with a place that time forgot.
Took a lo-jack from ko-jack
And Andy Capp's handicap sticker so I could find a parking spot in the lot.
Greeted upon arrival by the [bad word] of steal
And a one man band called For Real.
I asked him of law and regulation and he said, it was up to me this is no longer reality here I was [bad word] free.

So I went to Sesame Street and found Telly so he could sell me
Peanut, peanut butter…and jelly.
I had to pay back Pat Sayjack so I got $200 when I passed go
Saw Glastro and delivered a mighty blow.
Uncle Scrooge woke illusion got his assets frozen
And George of the Jungle ran into that tree, Ohhh
Me I found Whimpy in the sea house bar.
He said I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a Winky-dinky dog.
From a cookout where I saw the captain with his hook out
makin’ shish-ka-bobs outta’ etch-a-sketch [bad word] 
And I went to Judy Blooms for dinner and she wouldn’t let me budge
until I drank all my freckle juice to wash down my super fudge, Uhh
Boarded a great space coaster then transferred to a toaster that in a hardware war flies.
At that time a chime startled my ears and I was awakened
to the sight of colorful spots in my eyes.
Sweet dreams on my ticker tape parade route
where good guys ride off into the sunset, fade out.
And you too can visit the next time you nap 
on a journey to anywhere you can draw your own map

yawn tells my mom that it’s time for bed
But with a touch of pixie dust I can fly instead.
I’m bound to leave the ground so I 
open up the windows of my room
to look up at space and face the moon
that’s [bad word] a balloon in an old cartoon.
It must be Wacky Wednesday cuz I see my favorite sensei
Hong Kong Fooy!
And theres the groovy Goonies who are rockin’
with Pippy Long Stocking and her poppa.
As little Hywatha hit the street for a swim
I had my scuba gear near so I followed him in
And grabbed a hold of a tail of a manta ray 
And we began to play but then he swam away.
So I boogied on my board usin’ an oar to head back to the shore
where I can boogie on the floor.
I did the penguin, to the shuffle, to the hustle, to a back spin
Then I heard ("Let's get ready [bad word] #33;")

My pet rock named sled rock who slept in a tube sock
Was going a couple rounds with the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots -
But I couldn’t get a ticket so I had to sneak in
And we [bad word] near got caught cuz his sneakers kept sneakin’

Then I jumped on my psycho stick and hopped the top
of a suburb curb. Man I gotta move quick.
Cuz if I hurry up and get the Magetti ready.
I’ll return home a hero and be showered with confetti.
Close your eyes and climb aboard this [bad word] to the state of no limits
and bring your sleep walkin’ shoes.
It’s not an acquittal so we don’t need the rap
On a journey to anywhere we can draw our own map.