Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Portman: I don’t sleep [bad word] off that yak and durban
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: [bad word] Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the [bad word] up and suck my [bad word] I bust in dudes mouth like gushers [bad word] roll up on NBC and smack the [bad word] outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to [bad word] all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you [bad word] in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning [bad word] your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my [bad word] It’s Portman mother [bad word] drink till I’m sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you Natalie
Portman: I wanna [bad word] you too
P is for Portman
P is for [bad word] 
i’ll kill your [bad word] dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a [bad word] 
Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad [bad word] biiiiiiiitch  [bad word] yeah!)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my [bad word] gets in your shoe (What!?)
as for the [bad word] use
well I can vouch for that
my [bad word] is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions