When they found a dead man’s head
In the middle of a turnip bed
They knew that Baggins
Was back in the ‘hood
He was the terror of the Shire
And now he’s back for their lives
And that’s no good

Around the neighborhood he prowled
To get his bit of hobbit skulls
And suck their brains
And as he scowled his rotten teeth
Even the Nazguls got the creeps
And Sauron too – He was afraid

They called him Bilbo Baggins
He used to eat his neighbors
He hacked and bagged their corpses
And then he fried their torsos

They called him Bilbo Baggins
He liked to cook his neighbors
Unleashed his carnal wantings
Onto the poor hobbits

They said that once he caught a troll
Beheaded him and disembowled
And ate his guts
Old Bilbo was a maniac
necrophagophiliac
Yes — he was nuts