These are your good years 
Don't take my advice 
You never wanted the nice boys anyway 
And I'm of good cheer 
'Cause I've been checking my list 
The gifts you're receiving from me 
Will be 

One awkward silence 
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep 
Staying up, waiting by the phone 
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me 
Before you bury yourself alive 
 [bad word] home for Christmas 
You're the last thing I wanna see 
Underneath the tree 
Merry Christmas, I could care less 

Happy New Years, baby 
You owe me 
The best gift I will ever ask for 
Don't call me up, when the [bad word] down 
Its the only thing I want this year 

One awkward silence 
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep 
Staying up, waiting by the phone 
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me 
Before you bury yourself alive 
 [bad word] home for Christmas 
You're the last thing I wanna see 
Underneath the tree 
Merry Christmas, I could care less 
 [bad word] home for Christmas 
You're the last thing I wanna see 
Underneath the tree [bad word] home for Christmas) 
Merry Christmas, I could care less 
 [bad word] home for Christmas 
You're the last thing I wanna see 
Underneath the tree [bad word] home for Christmas) 
Merry Christmas, I could care less

[Patrick, in a lisp:]
Sweet! They've recorded a Christmas song! 
They must've spent a lot of money on this...
But this one time, this one Christmas I got this-
[beeps Deck the Halls]