Here's one of the two of us
In 1954 don't laugh
I keep all of the pictures
Are you going to take a photograph
Here's something nice for you
dear old thing came to a show
Last time here we did
An interview on local radio

Make yourself at home my [bad word] on in
Hand me down that jar love
Can I offer you a gin

We're proud to be the oldest
Ugly sisters in variety
There's not the glamour now
You see what happened to society
There's another light bulb gone
They don't all answer to the switch
I don't know how we carry on
And her she couldn't care the [bad word] 
But in a while the old boys
In the band begin to play
And in a while the houselights
And the curtains slide away

And something's going to happen
To make your whole life better
Your whole life better one day
Something's going to happen
To make your whole life better
Your whole life better one day

Now the landlady's all squared away
It's just a temporary deal
I'm afraid tonight it's take-away
You see there is no evening meal
Don't worry dear you shall go to the ball
I think the fairy said
These suitcases have seen it all
From under someone else's bed

You want to smile those tears away
Now don't you cry
You want to know what I say
I say never say die

'Cos something's going to happen
To make your whole life better
Your whole life better one day
Something's going to happen
To make your whole life better
Your whole life better one day