Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Please, tell us…

Portman: I don’t sleep mother [bad word] Off that yak and a durban
Doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: [bad word] Natalie, you are crazy chick

Portman: You shut the [bad word] up and suck my [bad word] I bust in dudes mouth like gushers mother [bad word] Roll up on NBC and smack the [bad word] outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie?
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie?
Portman: to [bad word] all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat
Till you [bad word] in my shoe
Leave you screaming
Pay for my dry cleaning [bad word] you man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my [bad word] It’s Portman mother [bad word] Drink till I’m sick
Slit your throat
And poor nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry
While I laugh you die
And all the dudes
You know I’m talkin' to you
Guys: we love you Natalie
Portman: I wanna [bad word] you too
P is for Portman
P is for [bad word] I’ll kill your [bad word]  dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
And snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
And you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a [bad word] 
Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad [bad word] biiiiiiiitch  [bad word] yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleaning
When my [bad word] gets in your shoe
As for the [bad word] use
Well I can vouch for that
My [bad word] is scared of you
Giiiiiirl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

Portman: No more questions

What!