Well, I guess it was back in '63,
When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me,
So I asked this little girl I was goin' with to be my wife.
Well, she said she would, so I said, 'I do'.
But I'da said, 'I wouldn't' if I'da just knew how sayin' 'I do'
Was gonna [bad word] up all o' my life.

Well, the first few years weren't all that bad.
I'll never forget the good times we had,
'Cause I'm reminded every month when I send her the child support.
Well, it wasn't too long till the lust all died.
And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised,
The day I came home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch.
Well, I tried to get in, she changed the lock.
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox that said,
"Goodbye, turkey. My attorney will be in touch."
So I decided right then and there I was gonna do what's right
Give 'er her fair share but, brother,
I didn't know her share was gonna be that much.

She got the goldmine, (She got the goldmine,)
I got the shaft. (I got the shaft.)
They split it right down the middle,
And then they give her the better half.
Well, it all sounds sorta funny,
But it hurts too much to laugh.
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft.

Now listen up. You ain't heard nothin' yet.
Why, they give 'er the color televison set.
Then they give 'er the house, the kids and both of the cars.
See.
Well, then they started talkin' about child support, alimony,
And the costs to the court.
Didn't take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was.
I'm tellin' ya, they have made a mistake.
'Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes.
Besides, everythin' I ever had worth takin' they've already took.
While she's livin' like a queen on alimony.
I'm workin' two shifts, eatin' baloney.
Askin' myself, "Why didn't you just learn how to cook?"

They give her the goldmine, (She got the goldmine,)
They give me the shaft. (I got the shaft.)
They said they're splittin' it all down the middle,
But she got the better half.
Well, it all sounds mighty funny,
But it hurts too much to laugh.
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft.
 [bad word] break--

Well, she got the goldmine, (She got the goldmine,)
I got the shaft. (I got the shaft.)
They split it all down the middle,
And then they give her the better half.
Well, I guess it all sounds funny,
(Ahh, ha ha ha)
But it hurts too much to laugh.
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft.

Heh, heh. Hey, Jimmy, I got the shaft.
But I don't have to worry about totin' a billfold anymore.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I let my wife tote it.
I'm gonna be carryin' food stamps.
You get it, judge?
I'm gonna be indebted.
That's my money.
Huh?
Contempt of court?
What do you mean I'm in contempt of court?