And if one day I should [bad word] 
singer with a Spanish bum
Who sings for women of great virtue
I'd sing to them with a guitar
I borrowed from a coffee bar
Well, what you don't know doesn't hurt you
My name would be Antonio
And all my bridges I would burn
And when I gave them some they'd know
I'd expect something in return
I'd have to get [bad word] every night
And talk about virility
With some old grandmother
That might be decked out like a christmas tree
And though pink elephants I'd see
Though I'd be [bad word] as I could be
Still I would sing my song to me
About the time they called me "Jackie"

If I could be for only an hour
If I could be for an hour every day
If I could be for just one little hour
Cute in a stupid [bad word] way

And if I joined the social whirl
Became procurer of young girls
Then i would have my own bordellos
My record would be number one
And I'd sell records by the ton
All sung by many other fellows
My name would then be handsome Jack
And I'd sell boats of opium
Whisky that came from Twickenham
Authentic [bad word] 
And phony virgins
If I had banks on every finger
finger in every country
And every [bad word] by me
I'd still know where I'd want to be
Locked up inside my opium den
Surrounded by some china men
I'd sing the song that I sang then
About the time they called me "Jackie"

If I could be for only an hour
If I could be for an hour every day
If I could be for just one little hour
Cute in a stupid [bad word] way

Now, tell me, wouldn't it be nice
That if one day in paradise
I'd sing for all the ladies up there
And they would sing along with me
And we be so happy there to be
Cos' down below is really nowhere
My name would then be Junipher
Then I would know where I was going
And then I would [bad word] all knowing
My beard so very long and flowing
If I became deaf, dumb and blind
(was: If I could play deaf, dumb and blind)
Because I pitied all mankind
And broke my heart to make things right
I know that every single night
When my angelic work was through
The angels and the Devil too
Would sing my childhood song to me
About the time they called me "Jackie"

If I could be for only an hour
If I could be for an hour every day
If I could be for just one little hour
Cute in a stupid [bad word] way