There ain’t nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carollers have kept me up for hours
It’s Merry Christmas seeping through my walls

Now I’m no [bad word] nut or nothing
But there’s one [bad word] holiday that I can’t stand
It ain’t Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it’ll surely make a fool out of every man

If I ain’t [bad word] then it ain’t Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah
And all you [bad word] go to [bad word] 
If I ain’t [bad word] eyed it ain’t Quanza
Joy to the world of Jack & Cokes
If I ain’t [bad word] then it ain’t Christmas
‘Cuz I ain’t ever anything but broke

Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are [bad word] infantile

I think we collectively as a people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world let’s buy some peace and quiet for a change
Before we spend it all on [bad word] toys

So… If I ain’t [bad word] then it ain’t Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah
Fa-la-la-la-la GO [bad word] YOURSELF
If I ain’t [bad word] eyed it ain’t Quanza
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain’t [bad word] then it ain’t Christmas
So leave this god [bad word] scrooge the [bad word] alone

Merry [bad word] Christmas

(Hi Simon)