Louis: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies,
and  on T.V.
Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values,
on which we used to rely?
Brian: It used to be, a big time star was elegant as Garbo,
or Hedy Lamarr.
Stewie: But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez,
you want to curl up and die. [bad word]  Lucky theres a Family Guy.
Lucky theres a man who positively can do
all the things that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
 [bad word]  He's a Family Guy!

Louis: When I was young, the songs were fair,
with Mister Johnny Mathis, and Sonny and Cher.
Peter: But now we get Justin Timber-homo.
Louis: heartache all gone awry!
Brian: The classic films were works of arts,
the images were graceful, the stories were smart.
Stewie: But now we get Matrix Revolution,
Im sorry I know this doesnt rhyme,
but what the [bad word] were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?! [bad word]  Lucky theres a family guy, lucky theres a fella,
sweeter than vanilla, wholesome as a piece of-
Stewie: Apple Pie! [bad word]  He's a family guy!

Lois: His smiles a simple delight.
Chris: He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites.
Lois: Peter!
Meg: He bought me my cute little hat.
Brian: Yeah we should have a talk about that. [bad word]  About that! And his hat!

Brian: He's mastered [bad word] arts.
Stewie: He says, "Look out, Hiroshima!" then casually farts.
 [bad word] sound effect)
Lois: He's loaded with y appeal.
Peter: And best of all my [bad word] are real. Have a feel!
Brian: No thank you.
Stewie: I gave it the office.
Lois: The Brady Bunch has got their Mike and
pretty Laura Petrie has [bad word] Van [bad word] 
But who around here could fill those loafers? [bad word]  But here's a happy reply. Lucky there's a family guy.
Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the thing that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and Cry! [bad word]  He's a Family Guy! He's a Family Guy!!!

Lois: Oh My! Thank you very much! What a [bad word] 
Peter: I am gunna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm kidding for Christs sake, I'm not serious.
Thats expensive! Look, just the fact that I came up with the idea
should tell you I'm generous;
I shouldnt actually have to spend any money.
Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit?
Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright.
Stewie: You know Brian, I- I just noticed something.
With that light shining on you from that angle,
you look a lot like Jamie Farr.
Brian: Yeah, you've told me that before and uh,
it's interesting, because I' thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears.
Stewie: Really?! How so?
Brian: Well, you- you got that thing going on with your eyes
like Britney does. You know where...
You know how her eyes are just like a hair too far apart?
Uh, a- a- almost like there was some immediate post-birth
surgery that should have been done but it was the south,
so they didn't have the medical technology.
Stewie: Oh, I see.
Chris: Mom!
Lois: Yes honey?
Chris: I have a wedgie.
Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it.
Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight.
We got music, we [bad word] 
we got behind the scenes [bad word] from the show.
Lois: Thats right! For example, not a lot of people know this,
but in one episode of the show there was a flashback of Brian
when he was a puppy. Now, they couldnt find a puppy
who looked enough like him,
so they actually built a dog suit for the scene,
and the actor of inside the suit was Raven-Symon,
who was Olivia on the Cosby show.
Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia.
Peter: All right, okay, I got one for ya.
You know the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy
is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls
back in the 80s, right