i'm twenty four, i don't own a tie
i don't have a job and i love to get high
my hairline's receding, i'm getting a gut
i love to jerk off and i love to read [bad word] 
i can't beat you up, i [bad word] a mile
i'm not calvin klein, but i gots my own style
i smoke a pack a day, on a good day its two
but with all my faults i'm still cooler than you

i can't drive a stick, i don't really surf
my parents disowned me cuz i'm a real jerk
i don't really cook and i don't wash my car
i can't program the timer on my vcr
i hate doing laundry, can't stand washing a plate
i haven't seen a girl naked since 1988
i know this sounds wrong but believe me its [bad word] 
with all this against me i'm still cooler than you

now you must realize i don't mean what i say
but lying to myself helps me get through the day
we are the same, we are abbot and lou
you are as i and i are as you