I'm one of a long line of good girls 
Who choose the wrong guy to be sweet on 
The girl with a face that says [bad word] 
That men can wipe their feet on 

I'm there when he calls me 
The [bad word] girl Friday alright 
But what good does it do me 
Alone on a Saturday night 

If you need a gal 
To go without sal'ry and work too hard 
You can always count on me 
The kind of a pal 
Who'd sneak you a file past the prison guard 
Loyal to the N'th degree 

The boss is quite the ladies man 
And that's my biggest gripe 
'Til I showed up he's never hired 
girl 'cause she could type 

I'm no femme fatal 
But faithful and [bad word] as a Saint Bernard 
Barkin' up the wrong [bad word] tree 
You can always count on me 

I don't need a map 
I nat'rally head for the dead end street 
You can always count on me 
I'm caught in a trap 
When joy is approaching, then I retreat 
I'm at home with misery 

I've been, "The other woman" 
Since my puberty began 
I crashed the junior prom 
And met the only married man 

I'm always on tap 
For romance or choc'late that's bitter sweet 
You can always count on me 
matter of fact 
If you want an ill-fated love affair 
You can always count on me 

Though I've made a pact 
To carry out research 
Before I care 
Men don't give a warranty 

One Joe who swore, he's single 
Got me sorta crocked, the beast 
I woke up only slightly shocked 
That I'd defrocked a priest 

Or else I attract 
The guys who are longing to do my hair 
You can always count on me 
I go for the riff raff 
Who's treating me so so 
When I can play the second fiddle, I'm a virtuoso 

I should be playing for a wedding band 
But there're no wedding rings attached 
Though you can bet 
There're strings attached 

Though my kind of dame 
No doubt will die out like the dinosaurs 
You can always count on me 
I'm solely to blame 
My head gives advice that my heart ignores 
I'm my only enemy 

I choose the kind who cannot 
Introduce the girl he's with 
There're lots of smirking motel clerks 
Who call me, "Mrs. smith" 

But I've made a name 
With hotel detectives who break down doors 
Guess who they expect to see 
You can always count on, bet a large amount on 
You can always count on me