This is the story
Of a mighty forest of chest hair
It belonged to the iest dwarf
Who most will admit was [bad word] 
He stood 4’3”
Had eyes that shone like lyrium
Had no beard but his chest alone
Had my heart from day one

Varric when I met you
Didn’t have a sovereign to my name
I’d met your awful brother
But you weren’t the same

It must’ve been cupid’s arrow
You shot at me that day
Introduced me to Bianca
And now all I can say

Varric! You [bad word] 
You wooed me with your low-cut shirt
And then you left me out to dry

And Varric, Baby
I’d drop everyone else I’ve ever known
If you’d promise to be my only guy

Who could ever choose a mage
Or a sparkly warrior?
pirate who doesn’t wear pants
blood mage who wears fur?

I’ll tell you what they share
Why they don’t make my heart explode
They don’t have any chest hair
So they won’t be exploring my Deep Roads

But Varric, he can
He can go spelunking any time
As long as he promises to be [bad word] 
And Varric, baby,
I’ll love you till we fall into the sky
I’ll do almost anything for you

You may be married to your crossbow
But she ain’t the only one
She can never love you
Like a Champion

Varric! Darling!
Let me be a lumberjack
In the forest on your chest

And Varric, baby,
Let me get a little closer to you
And learn why Hawke’s the very best
(Even Andraste’d be impressed)
(At that thing he’s got on his chest)