What’s the greatest problem now throughout the land
What’s the only problem needs a helping hand
It isn’t Philip Snowden, or tax relief I find
It’s something more important now on everybody’s mind
Just walk into any home today
It’s ten to one you’ll hear each husband say

My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
Home isn’t home any more
No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes
Where are the pies I adore
Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace
I’m ashamed to look a [bad word] straight in the face
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
I’m losing a pound every day

Monday, [bad word]  breakfast and for dinner
And at night some orange juice
Tuesday, [bad word]  boys I growing thinner
All my clothes are getting loose
Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied
Then I change to coffee, with [bad word] on the side
Friday till Sunday is more than I can stand
Before the eighteenth day I’ll have a lily in my hand

My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
Home isn’t home any more
No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes
Where are the pies I adore
Crabs and shrimps I must leave alone
I’m the only lobster she’ll allow in my home
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
She’s gaining a pound every day

(Musical Break)

Oh, oh, oh, she’s driving me wild
One look at her onions and I cry like a child.