Everyone I flirt with has another lover, I discover 
Or they want to keep me for eternity. 
Everyone I sleep with have a pre-existing [bad word] 
Or need a place to live with urgency 

And where's the fun in that? 
No thanks 
I think I'm staying single... 

The ants go marching two-by-two into the night without emerging 
Urging me to stay at home and watch TV 
And at five AM I hear them screaming empty words devoid of meaning 
It could be [bad word] or agony 

And where's the fun in that?! 
I think I'm staying single. 

And at night there's nothing finer 
Than being home with wine 
And I'm ignoring all the signs of my own nunnery 
But if someone were to love me 
They might hold that love above me 
And I'd never get enough of all their want and need 
Theyd play the game and then I'd lose 
I'd rip it up and kill the mood 
And then I'd give them attitude 
No way 
I think I'm staying single. 
 [bad word] you! 
Oh wait. No, let's not 
Cos I'm staying single 
Keep yourself to yourself 
I am staying single 
I don't really care if you're in an open relationship, 
That still means you're taken, [bad word] 
I am staying single 
You left me for a midget [bad word] 
So I'm staying single 
You took all of my money and ran away to Canberra 
What the [bad word] is the point of Canberra as a city anyway? 
I'm staying single 

(audience contributions) 

Your name was Craig...