ELDER CUNNINGHAM
And 'lo the Lord said unto the Nephites, 'I, uh, I know you're really depressed, well, with all your AIDS and everything. But there's an answer in Christ.

AFRICAN WOMAN
You see, this book CAN help us.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
I just told a lie.
No, wait, I didn't lie...
I just used my imagination.
And it worked!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM'S FATHER
You're making things up again, Arnold. (But it worked, Dad!)
You're stretching the [bad word] again, and you know it –

JOSEPH SMITH
Don't be a fibbing Fran, Arnold. (Joseph Smith?)

SMITH & DAD
Because a lie is a lie. (It's not a lie!)
 [bad word] You're making things up again, Arnold! (Oh conscience!)
You're taking the holy word and adding fiction!
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there's a price.

MIDDALA
Ahh, this is [bad word]  The story that I have been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin! I'm going to go and rape a baby!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
WHAT!?!! OH MY – NO! You can't do that! NO!!!! 

MIDDALA
Why not?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Because that is DEFINITELY against God's will! 

MIDDALA
Says who!? Where in that book of yours does it say anything about sleeping with a baby, huh?! Nowhere!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Uh, behold, the Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, 'You shall not have  with that infant..!' LO! Joseph said, 'Why not Lord? Huh? Why not?' And the Lord said, 'If you lay with that infant you shall...Pghwwwww!...burn in the fiery pits of Mordor.

MIDDALA
Really?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Uh huh...uh huh. 'baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith – I shall give unto you a...a FROG!'...And thus Joseph laid with the frog and his AIDS was no more! (Ohhhhh....)
 [bad word] You're making things up again, Arnold.
You're recklessly warping the words of Jesus!
You can't just say what you want, Arnold. [bad word] on, Hobbits!) 
You're digging yourself a deep hole.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
I'm making things up again, kind of!
But this time it's helping a dozen people!
It's nothing so bad because this time –
I'm [bad word] a sin just by making things up again, right?! (No!)

AFRICAN WOMAN
Elder Cunningham! You have to stop him!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
What? What is it?

AFRICAN WOMAN
Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter's clitoris!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Hah?!

AFRICAN MAN
This is all very interesting, but women have to be circumcised if that's what the General wants!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
No, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ's will!

AFRICAN MAN
How do you know? Christ never said nothin' about no clitoris! 

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
YES! Yes he did! In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman's clitoris! But right before they did – Jesus had Boba Fett turn them into frogs!

AFRICAN MAN
Frogs?

AFRICAN WOMAN
You mean like the frogs that got [bad word] by Joseph Smith!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Riiight! Right! Like those frogs! For a clitoris is holy among all things, said he! 
 [bad word] You're making things up again, Arnold. (We're learning the [bad word] )
You're taking the holy word and adding fiction! (The [bad word] about God.)
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there's a price. (We're going to paradise.)

ELDER CUNNINGHAM
Who would have thought I'd have this magic touch?
Who'd've believed I could man up this much?
I'm talking, they're listening, my stories are glistening
I'm gonna save them all with this stuff!
 [bad word] You&