The secret ingredient in the new shampoo,
It's good enough for me, and it's good enough for you,
You've done Head & Shoulders, and you've done Selsun Blue,
Now start washing your hair with the new shampoo

I see the pictures of young men just like me
Washing their hair, being everything I want to be,
I get excited seeing young men just like me [bad word] clean

Suckin' out the juice of the new shampoo,
Now there's nothing left for me, and there's nothing left for you,
They have to do something now there's nothing left to do,
It's the remarkable sighns of the new shampoo

I see the men in the locker rooms with me,
Rinsing and toweling with such urgency,
I see the men showering next to me,
I'm [bad word] a queen

Whack! [bad word] all whack! x 8 [bad word] out of supplies of the new shampoo, [bad word] out in Shanghai & in Kalamazoo, [bad word] on over, give the Devil his due,
Cause he's the inventor of the new shampoo

Give me a mirror, 
So I can finally see me [bad word] Who I want to be,
Now my hair is making 
mockery of me