I don't do crack, I've never seen cocaine
And fortunately I rarely pop an Aspirin when in pain
'Cause I wanna be - of alcohol or any [bad word] at all [bad word] free
But I self-medicate with tea
(doot-da-doot-doot)
I know just where to go to get my fix:
The beverage aisle
At Starbucks, I confess, I get my kicks
I'm not in denial
My oolong heals
Your dealer deals for quite a hefty fee
So I self-medicate with tea
(doo-da-loo-doo)
It's not that I'm not miserable as any old [bad word] My life is no more bearable than any old junkie
I'd jump out a window
Suicide's a sin though
I've found another way
There's no amount I wouldn't pay
To overdose on Earl Grey
Or English Breakfast
When I'm hopped up on caffeinated Chai
I'm feeling the buzz
And when you asked if I liked to get high
I already was
It's black or green or in-between
Sometimes it looks like weed
But my self-medicating
Improves my mental stating
I don't need to go to rehab
Or to set up a meth lab
I may be a cynic
But the Betty Ford clinic
Isn't ever gonna break me from my habit of choice
It's my opium, my Xanax and it's good for my voice
I hope [bad word] my reasoning
Twinings, Liptons, even Celestial Seasonings
Keep your marijuana
I got my own remedy
I self-self-medicate with tea
Boom
It's chamomile
Yeah