It started as a child
when I first sought to flirt with fate
I’d lay next to the tracks with arms outstretched across the rails
daydreaming fantasizing of sparks and screeching brakes
the plumes of bright red gushing iridescent in the sun

adopt a life of [bad word] one down three more to go
desire: amputation
leave me writhing in the limbless throes

it is deficiency I crave
I want so to be helpless
to inferiority a slave
a clump of breathing flesh
free from extremity
now replete with nothing left

disassemble me
limb from limb oh what a treat
no more feeling [bad word] nor encumbered by this lie
my prayer is for calamity
merciful blades to sever me
crippling [bad word] immobile by design

majestic ancient titan
swims proudly in its tank
I wish to slake its hunger
flailing my legs as bait

“I finally [bad word]  I am now whole.”

superfluous gesture
an unnecessary art
sacrificial offering
unto the gilded saw
rid me of my shame
of what I’ve overachieved
my envy is the handicapped
lord I beg of you I plead
I plead

wheelchairs prosthetics [bad word] all stimulus to me
my love beyond mere fetish
call it disabling
I’d waltz upon a landmine
feed digits to machines
phantom limb [bad word] the only way

dissemble me
limb from limb oh what a treat
no more feeling [bad word] nor encumbered by this lie
my prayer is for calamity
merciful blades to sever me
crippling [bad word] immobile by design

disassemble me
piece by piece a loving feat
body image [bad word] corrected by a knife
my hope is for catastrophe
a gangrenous limbdectomy
dismantling
dismembering
cut down to perfect size