man's got a heart, hasn't he?
Joking apart -- hasn't he?
And though I'd be the first one to say that I wasn't a saint
I'm finding it hard to be really as black as they paint

I'm reviewing the situation
Can a fellow be a villain all his life
All the trials, the tribulation
Better settle down and get meself a wife
And a wife would cook and sew for me [bad word] for me, and go for me
And go for me and nag at me
The fingers she will wag at me
The money she will take from me
misery, she'll make from me...
I think I'd better think it out again! 

wife you can keep, anyway
I'd rather sleep, anyway
Left without anyone in the world and I'm starting from now
So how to win friends and to influence people, so how

I'm reviewing the situation
I must quickly look up ev'ryone I know
Titled people, with a station
Who can help me make a real impressive show
I will own a suite at Claridge's [bad word] a fleet of carriages
And wave at all the duchesses
With friendliness, as much as is
Befitting of my new estate
"Good morrow to you, magistrate!" ...
I think I'd better think it out again

So where shall I go -- somebody?
Who do I know? Nobody!
All my [bad word] have always been villains and thieves
So at my time of life I should start turning over new leaves

I'm reviewing the situation
If you want to eat, you've got to earn a bob
Is it such a humiliation
For a robber to perform an honest job
So a job I'm getting, possibly
I wonder who the boss'll be?
I wonder if he'll take to me?
What bonuses he'll make to me?
I'll start at eight and finish late
At normal rate, and all, but wait
I think I'd better think it out again

What happens when I'm seventy [bad word] a time, seventy
When you're old, and it's cold and who cares if you live or you die
The one consolation's the money you may have put by

I'm reviewing the situation
I'm a bad 'un and a bad 'un I shall stay
You'll be seeing no transformation
But it's wrong to be a rogue in ev'ry way
I don't want nobody hurt for me
Or made to do the dirt for me
This rotten life is not for me
It's getting far too hot for me
Don't want no one to rob for me
But who will find a job for me
There is no in between for me
But who will change the scene for me?
I think I'd better think it out again!