Well, they call me Bones and I'm third [bad word]  Second in line is a man I just can't stand
 He's a green blooded, pointy-eared, seven year itch
 And when he pon farrs
 He'll try to make me his [bad word] 
Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife
 But I [bad word] sure pulled the plug on my daddy's life
 And two months later, well, they found a cure
 I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour

The damned teleporter
 Yeah, it gives me the creeps
 The first time I used it
 I couldn't get it up for weeks
 Now my tricorder's busted
 And sick bay just stinks
 I guess I'll just go replicate me a drink
 [bad word] 
Well, Jim is the captain of this here ship
 We call her the Enterprise, and the crew's pretty hip
 Yeah, the girls all wear go-go boots and miniskirts
 And I spend my days patching all the red shirts

Well, I have been asked to do many a thing
 Outside the area of my expertise
 [bad word] it Jim, I know I've told you before
 [bad word] it Jim, I know I've told you before
 [bad word] it Jim, [bad word] it Jim, I told you before

I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
 Just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour