....

We roll into the bar cause that’s how we do....

Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew....

Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that [bad word] go she....

Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce....

Operator, can you help me make this call?....

....

We’re laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing....

I’m the liking the direction this night is going....

But then I look up and something has changed....

Everyone around us looks [bad word] deranged....

....

I look to my left, I look to my right....

Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight....

With supertight abs and supertan skin....

I swear this aint the club that I walked in....

....

Then the techno music starts to play....

And the room smells like Axe body spray....

I’m like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear....

Please tell me what the [bad word] happened here....

....

Yo it aint pretty but you know it’s the [bad word] ...

This party just took a turn… for the douche....

....

For the douche, for the douche....

For the [bad word]  douche....

Thought it was a perfect party....

Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy....

This party just took… a turn for the douche....

....

I guess I can’t beat em so I’m gonna join ‘em....

Need some douche phrases and I’m gonna coin ‘em....

Put my Bluetooth in and I’m on my way....

Gonna be a mother [bad word] douchebag today....

....

Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree....

Wax off my chest like Mr Miyagi....

Get a Chinese tat, don’t know what it means....

But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens....

....

Don’t need sleeves on my shirt, just rip em off....

And leave em exposed like Bernie Madoff....

Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy....

Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy....

....

Got more chains than Mr. T....

I pity the [bad word] who messes with me....

Cause I’m doin roids til my balls get teeny....

Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie....

....

Gettin [bad word] on brewskis with my broskis....

I’m cooler than Ice cube wearing snow skis....

Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody....

Higher than the voice of [bad word] Capote....

....

Yeah I’ll drop a for a bottle of Goose....

This party just took a turn for the douche....

....

For the douche, for the douche....

For the [bad word]  douche....

Thought it was a perfect party....

Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy....

This party just took… a turn for the douche....

....

We’re an army in the night like Norman Mailer....

And it’s time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor....

I’m a VIP cause my table said so....

I’m a use [bad word] cause the [bad word] said no....

....

I like my hair like I like my girl’s drink....

SPIKED as [bad word] #33;!!....

....

Did my last keg stand like General Custer....

And I’m assessin the damage like a claims adjuster....

I ain’t your Daddy but I’ll call you son....

Yeah I get metaphysical like [bad word] John Donne....

....

I’m holdin up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler....

Girls are on the dance floor shakin’ their cobbler....

I’m Cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum....

Im gonna find the biggest ho in this room....

....

Girl’s wax is Brazilian, her manicure’s French....

Jean Nate is her signature stench....

She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas....

Her garden’s more savage then ch ch cherry colas....

....

Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her....

Hope she’s birth controlled like Margaret Sanger....

Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver....

Take her gold for cash then m