I call you from my car to say I'll be there in awhile 
short plane ride and I will get to see your pretty smile. 
There's nothing on the radio; I fiddle with the dial 
Then I see a sign: the airport's just another mile 
I check my bags and think about how much I hate to fly, 
And as I near security I almost start to cry. 

Well I hope the law enforcement agent's can't tell from my face, 
I got three balloons of coke in an [bad word] place. 
I'm sweating and I'm nervous and I need a little air, 
'Cuz with four balloons of heroin, it's getting crowded up in there. 
Crowded up in there. 

My mind is all a-jumble and my blood is cold as ice. 
I dread the thought of having to unload this merchandise. 
Relax, I say, it's not so bad; it might feel kinda nice, 
Besides who hasn't had a finger up there once or twice. 
I must remember don't leave any [bad word] inside the host; 
I did that once and a girl who tossed my salad overdosed. 

Well I say a little prayer, hail Maria full of grace
I've got three balloons of coke in an [bad word] place. 
I'm sweating and I'm nervous and I need a little air, 
And I swear I'm farting lines of blow into my underwear,
from my derriere.

I was a little eager when I loaded up my stash 
Five balloons of ecstacy, six balloons of hash, 
Eight balloons of LSD, nine of y mild, 
box of Chinese fireworks, a Guatemalan child. 

I made it to the gate now and my joy I can't contain. 
I board the aircraft, take my seat in the [bad word] of the plane- 

As I taxi down [bad word] I get a smile on my face, 
And I've got three baloons of coke in an [bad word] place
Flight crew, prepare for takeoff, as I lift us into air 
And by the way does anyone want to buy a Guatamalan child
from my derriere

I've got three balloons... 

I've got three balloons... 

I've got three balloons...