Song Lyrics:
(spoken over bass guitar riff)
OK, I'm riding around in this car with this woman that I'm close to a couple times a week. I'm noticing she's looking out of the window and noticing OTHER WOMEN: how this one looks, "Isn't her hair lovely?", "What a nice outfit!"

I said, "Babe, what is the DEAL?! You're noticing all these other chicks... maybe... you're a [bad word] "

She looks at me and she says, "I wish I was a [bad word] #33;"

Now, at that point, I wanted to say, "You mean 'you wish you WERE a [bad word] #39; because, grammatically..." But I let it slide; I didn't [bad word] any feathers.

But, y'know, that sentence, that retort, "I wish I was a [bad word] quot;...kinda stuck in the ol' "Laud-lo"'s mind...kinda gestated there for...seven, eight minutes...AND THIS TUNE POPPED OUT!

(music starts, singing)

I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all [bad word] and-go
And all that awful facial hair and yucky "ma-chis-mo"
Ooooooo, I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero

I wish I was a [bad word] and that I wasn't straight
I would sleep with women only; man, that would be great
I could throw away my diaphragm; I wouldn't wanna mate
Ooooooo, I wish I was a [bad word] and that I wasn't straight
HEEEEEEY!

(musical bridge)

I wish I was a [bad word]  I'd like to be a [bad word] 
I would hang with k.d. lang; Mel Gibson, take a hike
I think it would be nice to love someone who was alike
Ooooooo, I wish I was a [bad word]  I'd like to be a [bad word] 

I wish I was a [bad word]  that's why this song is sung
It shouldn't have to matter how someone is hung
Other things are more important...LIKE HOW TO USE YOR TOUNGE...blblblblblblblblblbl
I wish I was a [bad word]  that's why this song is sung
HEEEEEEY!

(musical bridge with spoken line:)
I dare Casey Kasem to play this!

I wish I was a [bad word]  I know it's sad, but [bad word] 
But maybe I might understand you guys and all you do
But if I was a [bad word]  I WOULDN'T HAVE TO
I wish I was a [bad word]  I know it's sad, but [bad word] 

Hey, I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all [bad word] and-go
And all that awful facial hair and yucky "ma-chis-mo" (I hate that damned machismo!)
Ooooooo, I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero
I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero
I wish I was a [bad word] and not a hetero!
Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl...