If you really loved me the way you say you do,
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky,
You would use a star to dot the "i".

In "I love you..." that is what you do:
You’d take a dreary day and you would paint it blue,
If you loved me unconditionally
These are things that you would do for me.

Because I need you
Like a fish needs the sea,
Like a fire needs oxygen,
Like a flower needs a bee.
And if you really care for me
You’d let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath, I shouldn’t even have to ask
Perhaps you’ll even store a little more in a flask.
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is [bad word] 
Doo doo doo

We go together
Like a cracker and Brie,
Like racism and ignorance,
Like [bad word] and R&B.
And if you really want to show you care
You’d let me wear your underwear
When we visit your mum, for a bit of harmless fun,
I just like talking about your childhood with some lace between my buns.
There’s no reason, no reason for a big to-do
If your love for one another is [bad word] 

We go together
Like a bird and a nest,
Like Internet and kiddie [bad word] 
Like guns and the US.
And if you love me like you say you do
You’d purchase thirty [bad word] 
And teach them to fly... in formation in the sky
And [bad word] the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai.
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love's all about.

Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese,
No one said love is for free.
And if you agree with that
You'd sing me passages from the Koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of waltzing Matilda.
I just love [bad word] of Islam, nationalism and builder.
Yeah, Islam, nationalism and builder, yeah...

Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock,
Like bananas need pyjamas,
Like a nun needs [bad word] 
And if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn't go through childbirth,
You'd agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin.
We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin,
 [bad word] don't make as much noise,
And they're really good at sharing their toys.

Because I dig you
Like an Ozzy digs pies,
Like Born-Agains dig Jesus,
Like Jesus dug guys.

And if you love me unconditionally
You'd do my tax return for me.
'Coz it's way overdue, and I just don't know,
I guess I'm self-employed but do I still pay as I go?
And does the threshold apply to me?
And should I register for GST?
And if you love me unconditionally,
When you'll let me video you while you wee?
Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV.