My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class 
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my [bad word] 
I said guys I'm like you
I like Monster [bad word] too 
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do? 

I just wish I was [bad word] so I could get

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be 
Incognito as [bad word] though but not actually that way though pseudo homo 
phony 
Maybe it's a stupid theory
or maybe just stupidity 
But if I was a queerbee
in the fashion industry 

Scoring with a super model would be easy 
Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonymous with 'super dumb' 
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon 
I'd [bad word] 
That [bad word] friend that cares [bad word] her back and braids her hair 
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear 

I wish I was [bad word] so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes 
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean 
See I'm not to keen
on the smell of Vaseline 
No I'm not Princess Di
and I don't wanna be a queen 

I wish I was [bad word] so I could get chicks 

Anyway if I were [bad word] I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis 
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he 
talks like this 
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway 
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet 

I wish I was [bad word] so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 

See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly