When I was just a little swabby I liked two things: getting dirty and playing a pirate.
Pirates live lives of adventure on the high seas, get as dirty as the want — and they don’t take baths.

I said I was a pirate.
Pirates don’t take baths
But my mom said, honey,
That’s not a righteous path.
She said, my dear, you stink
And then she plopped me in the sink.
She [bad word]  [bad word] 
Rub, [bad word]  [bad word] a-dub-dub-dub
Head to toe S* in between,
And now I’m squeaky clean.

Still thought I was a pirate
And still could not keep clean.
So my dad said, son,
You’re kind of ripe, know what I mean?
He said take off those clothes
And then he sprayed me with the hose
He went squirt, squart
Squirt, squart, oooohhhh that’s cold!
The water made me scream
But now I’m squeaky clean.

I got a little older
Still had that pirate smell
And my teacher, Mrs. Crocco
Did not like that real well
So when I got to school
She went and threw me in the pool
I went splash, splosh,
Splish, splash, cannonball!
It seemed a little mean
But now I’m squeky clean
I go [bad word] a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-dub [bad word] a-dub a-dub a-dub a-dub a-dub a-dub-dub
 [bad word] a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-dub
Now I’m squeaky clean
I was a dirty human being
But now I’m squeaky clean.

I was a dirty human being
But now I’m squeaky clean.

So now I’m a real pirate
And I sail the seven seas
No one tells me when I’m dirty
I can wash up when I please
And when I get the notion
I just jump into the ocean.

Aarrrrrr! Hoist the loofah, matey!
Swab off me timbers!
My crew knows what I mean
And I get squeaky clean.

That’s the end of my story. I’m living my dream on the high seas. And you can do the same — just be [bad word] to your inner pirate, and it’s okay to clean up a little now and then, but remember, pirates don’t take baths.
 [bad word]  [bad word] 
 [bad word]  rub, [bad word] a-dub-dub
I was a dirty human being, but now I’m squeaky clean.