If your [bad word] is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter. 

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec class 
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my [bad word] 
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster [bad word] too 
Wanna see how many pushups I can do? 
I just wish I was [bad word] so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be 
Incognito as a [bad word] though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony 
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity 
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry 
Scoring with a supermodel would be easy 

'Cause supermodel means voluptuous 
But also is synonymous with superdumb 
Ya see I'd be a good listener 
So she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd [bad word] 
That [bad word] friend that cares [bad word] her back and braids her hair 
No it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear 
I wish I was [bad word] so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes 
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean 
See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline 
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen 
I just wish I was [bad word] so I could get chicks 

Anyway if I were [bad word] I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis 
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip 
He's got a lisp he talks like this 
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway 
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet 
I wish I was [bad word] so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are  [bad word] guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly  

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly