Nicholas Brendon & Emma Caulfield 

I'll Never Tell: 

This is the man that I plan to entangle.
Isn’t he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle.
Vengeance was mine. 

But I’m out of the biz.
The name I made I’ll trade for his.
The only trouble is…
I’ll never tell.

She is the one,
She’s such wonderful fun,
Such passion and grace.
Warm in the night

When I’m right in her tight - embrace! Tight embrace!
I’ll never let her go. The love we’ve known can only grow.
There’s just one thing that - no.
I’ll never tell.

’Cause there’s nothing to tell.

He snores.
She wheezes.
Say “housework” and he freezes.
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can’t describe.

I talk, he breezes.
She doesn’t know what pleases.
His [bad word] got diseases from a Chumash tribe.

The vibe gets kind of scary.

Like she thinks I’m ordinary.
Like it’s all just temporary.
Like her toes are kind of hairy.
But it’s all very well.

’Cause god knows I’ll never tell.

When things get rough he
Just hides behind his Buffy.
Now look he’s gettin’ huffy
’Cause he knows that I know.

She clings, she’s needy,
She’s also really greedy
She never...

His eyes are beady!

This is my verse! Hello?
She...

Look at me! I’m dancing crazy!

You know…
You’re quite the charmer.
My knight in armor.

You’re the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red [bad word] 
And your firm yet supple - 
Tight embrace!

He’s swell.
She’s sweller.
He’ll always be my feller.
That’s why I’ll never tell her that I’m petrified.

I’ve read this tale.
There’s wedding then betrayal.
I know [bad word] the day
I’ll want [bad word] and hide.

I lied, I said it’s easy.
I’ve tried but there’s these fears I can’t quell.
Is she looking for a pot of gold?
Will I look good when I’ve gotten old?

Will our lives [bad word] too stressful
If I’m never that successful?
When I get so worn and wrinkly
That I look like David Brinkley?

I crazy?
I dreamin’?
I marrying a demon?

We could really raise the beam
In making marriage a [bad word] 
So thank god I’ll never tell.
I swear that I’ll never tell.

My lips are sealed.
I take the fifth.
Nothin’ to see. Move it along.
I’ll never… tell!