Here’s your chance to sing along now
Share these lyrics with a chum or two
Raise your voice in Yuletide song now
All the tunes are old, the words are new

Someone please explain caroling to me
Is the purpose not to make someone’s ears bleed?
What is the appeal, in such cheery songs?
Why don’t we just toss the score and sing the lyrics wrong?

Gristmas Songs, Gristmas Songs [bad word] ‘em up real good
Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll disturb the neighborhood
Gristmas Songs, Gristmas Songs
Screech ‘em til you’re hoarse
(It might not be wise to do this publicly, of course)

Ugly sweater shopping time
Just don’t tell Kanaya
If she catches me in these threads
She might set me on fire
Dave rigged his with LEDs 
So it lights up brightly
Blinking words on scratchy wool
Must endure this [bad word] nightly

Joy to the world
Except for John
I hope that [bad word] dies!

There goes Terezi with Wayward Vagabond again
Scribbling on the walls since I can’t remember when
But whatever they wreck, or if there’s no blank meteor left
I’ll protect my precious DVDs with everything I’ve have
Lest ‘The Santa Clause’ fall into the wrong hands

(This one’s gonna be my Magnum Opus!)

O Ancestors, O Ancestors
Why are you all dysfunctional?
O Ancestors, why can’t you see
The rightful leader of the team?
O Ancestor, O Ancestors
It’s either this or Kankri!

(The grand finale was written by SonicRocksMySocks and used with her permission.)

On the twelfth day of twelfth perigee my matesprit gave to me
Twelve rippling hoofbeasts
Eleven frogs a-leaping
Ten empty buckets
Nine cans of Faygo
Eight spiders spinning 
Seven paraplegics 
Six revving chainsaws

FIVE [bad word] !!

Four cuttlefish
Three sharp claws
Two sets of stairs
And a Scalebeast hanging from the tree

(And last but not least, in the [bad word] spirit of Gristmas, I shall [bad word] )

I can’t believe I wasted four whole
Minutes of my precious lifetime
On singing stupid Gristmas Carols—
AGAIN!! Seriously, what is WRONG with me!?—
Now please leave me alone!