You always hated Christmas; you could not abide
All that festive frivolousness, ate you up inside
You never did see the point of a tree, all those little lights twinkling
You epitomise humbuggery; meanwhile spirits sinking

Oh ho ho, this year you're not here to dampen my Christmas cheer
I want choirs and angels and snow and sleigh bells
And the biggest f*ck off tree
Oh, this year, I've made a cake with a marzipan reindeer
I'll sing and dance and wear novelty pants 
'Cos there's no one to please but me

You always hated Christmas, well that's what you told me
Maybe it was easier to Scrooge than to agree
You'd rather stick pins in your eyes than sing noel
Maybe you should stick to your guns, you do that so well.
I never did see the point of your spleen and now I couldn't care less
'Cos me and the elves can take care of ourselves
We wish you the season's best

Oh ho ho: this year you're not here to dampen my Christmas cheer
I want lords a leaping and promises keeping - and did I mention the tree
And oh, this year, I've made a cake with a marzipan reindeer
I'll sing and dance in those novelty pants
'Cos there's no one to please but me.