There are some things,
That I have done in life, 
That make me ashamed, 
That I keep from the wife 
Like the stains of butter [bad word]  
That spilled on the page, 
That will remain, 
Someday I'll confess 
To all those crimes 
 
But right now I'd like to say 
That I am guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
Chopping up the teacher, 
It was I!
Yes, I am guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
It was I! 
 
It was those cricket scores, 
That made my claws sink in,
Oh, the bloody gin, 
He told us to go fetch it, 
Though a pterodactyl hatched it, 
So I chopped off his head, 
And went to bed, 
Like I said 
 
It's me who's guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
Chopping up the teacher, 
It was I!
Yes, I am guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
It was I! 
 
He said, "Trouble, it [bad word] 
From the headmaster,
And he'll make a right disaster of your bum!”
And my parents, they were called,
And my dad, he was appalled, 
When police reported, 
I've not done the lug, 
Younger parents do [bad word] 
Our public schools,
Well, the [bad word] fools! 
Cause would the world be better 
Without paranoid cross dressers?
I don't think so, 
I'd miss em', 
And so would I!
 
He is guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
Chopping up the teacher, 
It was him! 
Yes, he is guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
It was him!
[Sing, everybody!]
Yes, he is guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
It was him!
Yes, he is guilty of the crime 
Of chopping up the teacher, 
It was him!